Wednesday, September 8, 2010

What happened?

I haven't written in going on two weeks, I suppose. Trying to quit smoking, had a birthday and looking to move along with the thoughts of wanting to conceive another child are juussstt about to drive me mad. We began packing some things around the house on Sunday, then continued with that mission yesterday. I have so many things to go through, trash, give away, or pack and no boxes to pack it in. I did manage to get Williams few things into a box yesterday, then only to give way to my tears as I see his one pathetic little box. Everything about him, besides my memories in my head are in that box. He is supposed to be moving with us, not one crappy little box. I also woke up this morning to find my fish that we have had for over a year, dead. I sobbed. Over a little fish, I felt that it was my fault he perished. We sprayed the kitchen and I didn't move him,so ultimately I feel it's my fault. Think maybe that is some grief coming out from the death of my fish, hmmm. Life is so unfair and so blessed at the same time. How can it be this way. I wish my thoughts of him were ones of smiling and laughing and cooing, yet they are thoughts of loss and how I miss those things that will never be here on earth. I suppose I will go for now, entertaining myself with more packing and cleaning. I pray this day will be blessed.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Don't Ever Stop Dreaming Your Dreams

This is a poem given to me a few years ago during a different circumstance in my life. I can still read it now and feel the emotion it provokes. Just wanted to share!

Don't ever be reluctant
to show your feelings when
you're happy, give into it.

Don't ever be afraid to
try to make things better
you might be surprised at the results.

 Don't ever take the weight
 of the world on your shoulders.
 Don't ever feel threatened  by the future,
 take life one day at a time.
 Don't ever feel guilty about the past
 what's done is done.
 Learn from any mistakes you might have made.

 Don't ever feel that you are alone
 there's always somebody there
 for you to reach out to.

 Don't ever forget that you can achieve
 so many of the things you can imagine...
 It's not as hard as it seems.

 Don't ever stop loving
don't ever stop believing,
 don't ever stop dreaming your dreams......


Friday, August 13, 2010

My grief found me this morning. I shared a song I love with a friend I love and it hit me harder than the past couple of days. I was simply sobbing sitting in my chair, and I felt as if I were an addict needing to get a high, that will never be available here on earth. I said, it's like I physically ache for him, like an alcoholic feels they need alcohol, as a heroin addict phines for their next high. My dh pointed out to me, that as it may feel that way , there is one difference. We will never get our high, that want to hold and caress satisfied. I know it will be fulfilled in our eternity, but as for here on earth, we must wait. It seems a little silly yes, but I have dealt with many addictions in my life as well as those of my family members. The grief seems to shake you to the core all to unexpected. And how can it be unexpected?  I wondered to myself earlier through my tears, how can I still breathe? I know I do, yet how. I know all too well I have others to LIVE FOR, but the pain remains. I know that God made a choice for my path, but I still have moments of failure that set in my mind. I cannot get this song out of my head, it s echoing over, and over. I feel some strength creeping back into my heart, I must keep on truckin~

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I Don't Want To Say Goodbye by Danny Gokey

This song truly states the words from the soul of  a broken heart. It says each and every thing I feel in my spirit. Just wanted to type these words out in hopes of bringing more peace to each of us suffering. God Bless.

Sometimes the road just ends,
it changes everything you ve been
and all that s left to be
is empty, broken, lonely, hopin,
I m supposed to be strong,
I m supposed to find a way to carry on,

 I don't wanna feel better,
I don't wanna not remember,
I will always see your face in the shadows of this haunted place,
 I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fists at the sky
but I will not say goodbye

they keep saying time will heal
but the pain just gets more real
the sun comes up each day,
finds me waiting,fading, hating,praying
If i can keep on holding on
maybe i can keep my heart
from knowin that your gone

 I don't wanna feel better,
I don't wanna not remember,
I will always see your face in the shadows of this haunted place,
 I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fists at the sky
but I will not say goodbye

I will curse, i will pray, i'll relive every day
i will shelter the blame
 i will shout out your name
I will laugh I will cry, shake my fists at the sky
but I will not say goodbye
I will not say  goodbye

Wow, simply brings chills to my skin. Just wanted to share this beautiful message:) May the day bring blessings upon us all.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

A poem from a fellow mommy

I saw this and since I adore shoes, I had to share this! Thank you Jacob's mommy for posting this poem!

An Ugly Pair of Shoes
Author Unknown
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

A simple thought.

I ve started calling this experience horribly beautiful. It is only now that we find an inner strength within us we never knew even existed. And through the words and support of others traveling this same journey, I am growing into my new normal. I m having a bad day today, but I know I m not alone. I know all of us have those same tears. I hate that we are a part of this group, yet so grateful for all those who have lightened my heart, and I hope to spread HOPE with every breath I take in honor of our sweet William. God Bless each of us.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Why this feeling?

I I Have this feeling that is just seemingly nagging at me. It is driving me mad. I thought it was simply anxiety. Perhaps not. What is this feeling, a feeling of waiting for something. Anticipation. For what? What do I think I am waiting for, will there come a day when I think out of nowhere that my mind will become free of these wandering thoughts? I don't think so. My older boys are on vacation with their dad at Six Flags, then next week school is already starting. I would give anything to be with my boys right now. Not with their dad, but with them. My little Eli is asleep in his crib. How many nights I think of how his brother should be with him, in the same room,keeping him awake or vice versa. I do the best I can to not let the what if land consume me. It can be like a dark hole sucking the life from your very chest. I want to remain as positive as I know I can be. You know you have to keep breathing and keep on, just living. Living daily life. Doing the dishes. I think I miss being pregnant, I miss doing itty bitty baby laundry .  I m missing lots of things, my heart knows that it is ok. I know he is ok, he is more than ok. It s me that still clings to every tiny thing I can of his. I cling to the love, the loss, the powerlessness. I cling to the idea that I WILL have hope. I refuse not too. I know I want to have more children, most people probably think I  m crazy for that. I don't really care. I was put on earth to be a mother, I love it more than my own life. My boys. I adore them each so much in their wonderfully special different ways. They look so much like me. I almost feel guilty for being so blessed at the same time of having such tragedy. I know I m lucky to have had the chance to be a mother to these, that will become young men quicker than I d like. I have so many thoughts frothing around in my brain, it seems it makes no sense once it comes out on the screen or on paper. It's so hard to explain all the emotions that come with this. Unless you are part of that Silent Population, as I feel I am. Yet I m not so silent, I just keep my mouth shut maybe to make it seem easier for them. You know, just smile, I m fine:) except for my son is in heaven. Even then, I ache, with the most strange peace and elation for I m not seeing the joy he has. I do suppose I have rambled enough about much of nothing, yet that is why I have started this blog, to get these vile swirling vivid ideas out. And if you read and understand , well then we are together on a journey through hell before we reach our heaven, and if you read and don't understand, or if you are offended, well. I think you know what you can do , May God Bless us all with sweet angel kisses. I know I m first in line to get mine xoxo