What happened?

I haven't written in going on two weeks, I suppose. Trying to quit smoking, had a birthday and looking to move along with the thoughts of wanting to conceive another child are juussstt about to drive me mad. We began packing some things around the house on Sunday, then continued with that mission yesterday. I have so many things to go through, trash, give away, or pack and no boxes to pack it in. I did manage to get Williams few things into a box yesterday, then only to give way to my tears as I see his one pathetic little box. Everything about him, besides my memories in my head are in that box. He is supposed to be moving with us, not one crappy little box. I also woke up this morning to find my fish that we have had for over a year, dead. I sobbed. Over a little fish, I felt that it was my fault he perished. We sprayed the kitchen and I didn't move him,so ultimately I feel it's my fault. Think maybe that is some grief coming out from the death of my fish, hmmm. Life is so unfair and so blessed at the same time. How can it be this way. I wish my thoughts of him were ones of smiling and laughing and cooing, yet they are thoughts of loss and how I miss those things that will never be here on earth. I suppose I will go for now, entertaining myself with more packing and cleaning. I pray this day will be blessed.

Don't Ever Stop Dreaming Your Dreams

This is a poem given to me a few years ago during a different circumstance in my life. I can still read it now and feel the emotion it provokes. Just wanted to share!

Don't ever be reluctant
to show your feelings when
you're happy, give into it.

Don't ever be afraid to
try to make things better
you might be surprised at the results.


 Don't ever take the weight
 of the world on your shoulders.
 Don't ever feel threatened  by the future,
 take life one day at a time.
 Don't ever feel guilty about the past
 what's done is done.
 Learn from any mistakes you might have made.

 Don't ever feel that you are alone
 there's always somebody there
 for you to reach out to.

 Don't ever forget that you can achieve
 so many of the things you can imagine...
 It's not as hard as it seems.

 Don't ever stop loving
don't ever stop believing,
 don't ever stop dreaming your dreams......

  
   Anonymous

My grief found me this morning. I shared a song I love with a friend I love and it hit me harder than the past couple of days. I was simply sobbing sitting in my chair, and I felt as if I were an addict needing to get a high, that will never be available here on earth. I said, it's like I physically ache for him, like an alcoholic feels they need alcohol, as a heroin addict phines for their next high. My dh pointed out to me, that as it may feel that way , there is one difference. We will never get our high, that want to hold and caress satisfied. I know it will be fulfilled in our eternity, but as for here on earth, we must wait. It seems a little silly yes, but I have dealt with many addictions in my life as well as those of my family members. The grief seems to shake you to the core all to unexpected. And how can it be unexpected?  I wondered to myself earlier through my tears, how can I still breathe? I know I do, yet how. I know all too well I have others to LIVE FOR, but the pain remains. I know that God made a choice for my path, but I still have moments of failure that set in my mind. I cannot get this song out of my head, it s echoing over, and over. I feel some strength creeping back into my heart, I must keep on truckin~

I Don't Want To Say Goodbye by Danny Gokey

This song truly states the words from the soul of  a broken heart. It says each and every thing I feel in my spirit. Just wanted to type these words out in hopes of bringing more peace to each of us suffering. God Bless.


Sometimes the road just ends,
it changes everything you ve been
and all that s left to be
is empty, broken, lonely, hopin,
I m supposed to be strong,
I m supposed to find a way to carry on,

 I don't wanna feel better,
I don't wanna not remember,
I will always see your face in the shadows of this haunted place,
 I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fists at the sky
but I will not say goodbye

they keep saying time will heal
but the pain just gets more real
the sun comes up each day,
finds me waiting,fading, hating,praying
If i can keep on holding on
maybe i can keep my heart
from knowin that your gone

 I don't wanna feel better,
I don't wanna not remember,
I will always see your face in the shadows of this haunted place,
 I will laugh, I will cry, shake my fists at the sky
but I will not say goodbye

I will curse, i will pray, i'll relive every day
i will shelter the blame
 i will shout out your name
I will laugh I will cry, shake my fists at the sky
but I will not say goodbye
I will not say  goodbye


Wow, simply brings chills to my skin. Just wanted to share this beautiful message:) May the day bring blessings upon us all.

A poem from a fellow mommy

I saw this and since I adore shoes, I had to share this! Thank you Jacob's mommy for posting this poem!

An Ugly Pair of Shoes
Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

A simple thought.

I ve started calling this experience horribly beautiful. It is only now that we find an inner strength within us we never knew even existed. And through the words and support of others traveling this same journey, I am growing into my new normal. I m having a bad day today, but I know I m not alone. I know all of us have those same tears. I hate that we are a part of this group, yet so grateful for all those who have lightened my heart, and I hope to spread HOPE with every breath I take in honor of our sweet William. God Bless each of us.

Why this feeling?

I I Have this feeling that is just seemingly nagging at me. It is driving me mad. I thought it was simply anxiety. Perhaps not. What is this feeling, a feeling of waiting for something. Anticipation. For what? What do I think I am waiting for, will there come a day when I think out of nowhere that my mind will become free of these wandering thoughts? I don't think so. My older boys are on vacation with their dad at Six Flags, then next week school is already starting. I would give anything to be with my boys right now. Not with their dad, but with them. My little Eli is asleep in his crib. How many nights I think of how his brother should be with him, in the same room,keeping him awake or vice versa. I do the best I can to not let the what if land consume me. It can be like a dark hole sucking the life from your very chest. I want to remain as positive as I know I can be. You know you have to keep breathing and keep on, just living. Living daily life. Doing the dishes. I think I miss being pregnant, I miss doing itty bitty baby laundry .  I m missing lots of things, my heart knows that it is ok. I know he is ok, he is more than ok. It s me that still clings to every tiny thing I can of his. I cling to the love, the loss, the powerlessness. I cling to the idea that I WILL have hope. I refuse not too. I know I want to have more children, most people probably think I  m crazy for that. I don't really care. I was put on earth to be a mother, I love it more than my own life. My boys. I adore them each so much in their wonderfully special different ways. They look so much like me. I almost feel guilty for being so blessed at the same time of having such tragedy. I know I m lucky to have had the chance to be a mother to these, that will become young men quicker than I d like. I have so many thoughts frothing around in my brain, it seems it makes no sense once it comes out on the screen or on paper. It's so hard to explain all the emotions that come with this. Unless you are part of that Silent Population, as I feel I am. Yet I m not so silent, I just keep my mouth shut maybe to make it seem easier for them. You know, just smile, I m fine:) except for my son is in heaven. Even then, I ache, with the most strange peace and elation for I m not seeing the joy he has. I do suppose I have rambled enough about much of nothing, yet that is why I have started this blog, to get these vile swirling vivid ideas out. And if you read and understand , well then we are together on a journey through hell before we reach our heaven, and if you read and don't understand, or if you are offended, well. I think you know what you can do , May God Bless us all with sweet angel kisses. I know I m first in line to get mine xoxo

Life On A Monday after CAMPING

WEll, what more can I say, It's monday after a camping trip with no kiddos. I am trying to clean up my house so it can be messed up some more I suppose, perhaps not very much to say at the moment, well, I can ramble for hours yet I don't have the time at the moment! I will return to blabber about many things I know, Let's see which subject I end up on later :) Have a butterfly blessed day! Don't count the days, Let's Make the days count! Got this from a friend of mine and I love it! xoxo

How fast the time flies....

It is already about school time and my nine year old is oh so worried about what clothes he wants this year and how his hair looks, :)  I had no idea this would begin at such a young age, I really don't think I was at this point til almost 13. wow, who needs a daughter lol. I will have to be in search of the trendy "skinny jeans" . oh what fun it will be. I will have a fourth and second grader this year, my dad says I must be getting old if that's the case. I'm thinking hey I'm still having babies, I can't be that old YET. I still long to have a newborn in my arms, at least I do have 3 adorable little men to wrap my clingy arms to.... My sweet 18 month old is finally waving bye and imitating EVERYthing his big brothers do.I really truly  believe that I know how precious and quickly our time is here on earth, the smallest moments will have to simply last me a lifetime because it s slipping out of my grasp so fast that I feel as though I barely catch a breath and something else has happened, something else has grown. My oldest son also asks me last night when I was saying good night and getting them ready to go to bed, Mom WHEN are you going to LET me have my first kiss? WHHATTT , what is this? He says, You always talk about how you will beat this girl's butt or this or that. I  think geesh, does he REALLY think his mom is going to go redneck scrappin with  a little girl that he may like, maybe I should rethink my position. lol. I told him I can't say when IT will happen for him, but he IS TOO YOUNG, in a nice soft mom voice! Oh my , dear spirit help me, I knew it would come, just did not think it would be so soon. I sure had some moments yesterday, those moments of I feel like I'm forgetting something constantly but it is nothing I have forgotten, only something is missing. I know what is missing, my sweet baby boy. He is here in my heart so strong, but I want his face to be among his brothers in joy and laughter. I long still to hold and kiss him as well. I know this feeling will overtake me at moments for the rest of my life and there is nothing that will take it away. I do have happiness in my daily life, such as the things mentioned above, I'm thankful that I can find pure joy in things each day. I know it is because of Will that I feel so strongly about this. He must send me his love each day, as I send him mine. I do still want another baby, yet only God knows if and when that will happen, until then I suppose I am left to watch the days grow by as my sons' eyes learn something new each minute!

Well Ok, It's Wednesday and IT IS HOT

I posted a couple of letters I wrote to Will, just because and well I like them, they make my heart and spirit have some peace! After being so excited yesterday, like a child with a new toy, about my blogging experience beginning, I almost feel writer's block today. I have no idea what I want to blabber about, and thinking anything I ramble about will probably bore most folks out of their minds! I am chatting with a friend on fb, and I m sitting here thinking, I am so glad I m not the only one in this world that feels the way I do. It's amazing just hearing that someone is on the same path that God chose for you, well, you know what I mean. The similiar experience, the shared feelings of every emotion you could imagine. Why does it always make us feel better to feel we aren't alone? Are we like wolves in a pack to where we desire that certain comfort level, or is it God's way of sending us comfort in a time of need? It amazes me the amount of thoughts I can have at any given moment in my head, it s almost as if I have catergories, and sub catergories, and sub of sub catergories lol, hahahhah Only to be in the mind of me :) I hope everyone stays cool today, I do believe yesterday was the hottest day I have ever felt and I WAS INSIDE! I hope to have something more interesting to write later, but for now. I have emptied the catergorized library I suppose ! Have a blessed day!

Another Letter to Will on his 3 month birthday:)

Happy 3 Months My Sweet William 
Friday, July 16, 2010 | A Positive story

I am determined to celebrate my precious son's life today. He has changed me forevermore, and I am thankful for that. My eyes are now open, even though I thought they were before, they were not. I thought I never took life for granted, now I know that I did. I always thought it was easy to simply give birth to my son, wait, not easy but non eventful. I so long to kiss your face, those perfect pink lips. I ache to wrap my loving arms around you and sing to you. I do sing to you while I sing to your older brother, Eli. By the way, William, do you keep waking your brother so Mommy has that wake up call at least? He sure does not like sleeping in his room this past week and it seems there is something in there he just can't sleep. I just pictured you pinchin his leg or something lol so mom isn't missing out on the sleep deprivation a new mom usually has. I  see you growing in heaven in my mind. I hope you are watching over us as we sleep and move on with our life. I want your life to represent something so special, I hope I can find the ways it will make a difference. I wish to do so many things for you. I just don't know where to start my sweet boy! I want to rejoice through my tears if I must and scream out your name so the world knows you lived, here at least in my womb. Your life I hope will open your big brothers eyes, to love, and understanding, and how special it is that they even have each other. I wish for daddy and I to grow stronger in our love for each other because you were here for a short while. I wish I could help so many other mommies that must endure this pain, for I know all too well the tears, the sorrow, the ride going up and down. I know your life will make me a different mommy for your brothers, I treasure each day that I m blessed to have with them, for now, I know I m not guarunteed any day beyond today. My dear sweet son, place your strong lil hand upon mine, and help me find my way. I know you are there, I just wish I could see with mine own eyes. I wish I could see your sweet eyes open, and a smile. I want one sweet breath, from you. I will celebrate you today, for you have changed me forevermore. Mommy loves you soooooo much sweet William, bless our lives with love and happiness, that we may live a sweeter life because we knew you.

An exerpt from my journal, One of my letters to William

My dearest William,
You know I do miss you so, but I know also who you are with and the glory only your eyes have seen are immeasurable. I can't say I understand the why, yet I do understand you were always meant to be his angel. I can't say I'm happy about you not being here with me, yet I am happy that you will know no pain, suffer none of this world's traumas, and your heart will never be broken. I know that you are my angel in heaven yet I feel I have grown wings as well. I want to go on down my path knowing that the grief I feel for your presence not here will be well worth the change it brought to my life. My son, I will always look for signs from above to assure me of your happiness. I will forever look at the clouds different. I know I can face tragedy and be carried by the hand of GOD. I want you to know that I do have tears, tears for my pain and heartache to hold you and kiss you. I also think of you each moment of my day into my night. Your brothers drew you pictures and Kaden said you bring out the sun, Austin said you bring out the moon. They love and miss you too. Your Daddy ,well son, he misses you as much as all of us. He knows you are in Jesus' lap and smiling upon us. He wishes he could teach you all the sports and camping that he loves so much to do, yet you have Uncle Chris by your side to teach you now. We have so many loving people you are with, I don't fret a bit about that, I know your teacher now is the perfect one. I am so honored to have been chosen, our family chosen, to carry you sweet angel William. I will wait until we meet again and I will love you like I ve never loved before.
Not Goodbye My Son, just see you in a while. Rest in peace while you wait for me, or go ahead and give heaven a run for it's money :)

Life In General

Life in General
it's a gift
I've known that for quite a while.
The sun's simple rays will
    always make me smile.
Yet life in general
  can take it's turns
and before you realize
  your heart gets burned.
We truly don't understand
this gift we receive
  until we fall to our feet
 and learn to grieve.
 I have always accepted life 
         day by day
I never expected such an emotion
 would enter my heart and stay.
 Life in general may bring such happiness
and in the exact same moment paralyze you
               with lonliness.
I must admit my heart, spirit and soul
      feel broken
Yet life in general has it's many tokens.
 As we sail along our river of life
   We hope we won't face the storm
Yet when the storm hits,
we are offered an outstretched hand in the midst.
   Though life in general
         may seem mundane,
He is always there to guide us down his lane.
 My heart will heal,
My soul will grow stronger,
Because My Life in general
Will make my spirit live longer.

My Strong WILL

I declare that this Darkness
WILL end.
I don't know when
the day or the time.
Yet I know,
I will see the light once more.
I know many emotions WILL
flood my soul during these
dark times,
I also know my strong WILL
is also GOD'S WILL.
I WILL be lifted up
higher than my tears
will fall
and happiness WILL fill
my eyes once again.

I thought perhaps

I thought it may help..... 

 Perhaps if I copied some journal entries from online to my blog so that if you don't know me or my story of what's happened in my life, you can gain some perspective from reading my past few month's emotions. Grab a tissue, it may be needed.


May 20, 2010... a month and 4 days after giving birth to Will.
I guess venting would be considered what I should want to do. We are planning to go camping or rather stay in a cabin this weekend. I will enjoy it but tomorrow will be one month since we buried William and my hormones are obviously rattled. I look forward to some distracting rest, but it s a hell of a lot of work to get ready to go. have to gather all the boys stuff and that s 3 fold on the gettin together. Today I suppose some of my anger is arising, angry at who , I have no idea. I m just irritated beyond belief and can't seem to shake it. I want to hold my son, that is the utmost thought I keep having over and over, over, etc. I want to kiss his face and his nose. Damn you fate or reality, I have so much faith and I believe he is in such a better place, that place just happens to not be with me and that breaks me down. I must keep living for my other sons, they need their mom as much as sweet William did but now I have to know that William is learning from a much bigger thing than me. My thoughts have to regain focus , I know that time will come and I have no patience. I m sick of it hurting as bad as it does and it seems to be only in my heart. I know others are weeping too, yet do they feel shattered as do i?? So sum of this venting ends up being rambling and words simply splatter out of my mind onto the screen. Please lord give me your strength for I know that you chose this path long before I knew what was to come, help me to stay close to you and know that this will pass and my heart one day will heal from the raw utter pain.
I felt the urge to put on makeup to make some effort to be pretty for my huni buni to come home from work to, how awful it must be to arrive home to a haggard looking woman who is irritable, tired, cranky, and hormonal, and less a baby that she feels she should have. not a pretty picture. I not only have bad days and good days, there are simply moments and I had always believed that life itself was made up of perfect lil moments just captured in time. those moments aren't always beautiful. my hubby said one day, photos are meant to show the happiness. well life isn't all happiness, is it? why must we hide those times of tragedy and keep our hurt to within our own hearts and minds? I feel as though I still am a new mom and I do have a picture of my beauty to show with pride yet I feel as though it would be unacceptable to show those same precious photos that have gotten me through so many of the past days. I feel horrible in the way that it seems I m not completely mentally available for my lil man Eli. I mean I don't neglect the poor child. trust me he  is very spoiled, especially since my older two sons go between our house and their dads'. I have to get that affection out of my system somehow and Eli gets loved up often. He does make me smile, just as do the older boys, they are 9 and 7. I can't believe how fast time does fly when life is good, they are growing into beautiful young lil men. I know they will break my heart soon enough too simply by growing older. I am procrastinating on thank you cards, and we still haven't looked at the headstone/ marker brochures yet together. I know it s gonna suck to do it , but yet I m tired of having it looming over me like so many other thoughts seem to. ok maybe I  m done with endless rambling for the day, perhaps not. I realize now that I have been writing but typing is definitely so much more effortless, I may forget that what I m typing can be read , ahh, all thoughts of a grieving mother. something I bet the rest of you may know all too well right along with me. until i return. be blessed.

June 3, I decide to type "my story"
I am 32, will be 33 this year. I now live in Ms. Origionally from Arkansas. I have three living sons, one son in heaven and my first preg. was m/c and I dont know the sex, so two babies in heaven. I was so excited to have my fourth son, you would think after so many boys that I d be crazy but I was more than ready to have my team all together. My older two sons are 9 and 7 and they live with their dad about an hour from us. We get them as often as we can but for now only our  18 mos old son lives full time with us. So my emotions are on call pretty much all the time even before William. Well I m not sure where to start but here I go. I have been a stay at home mom for going on two years now. My 2 nd wedding anniversary to my best friend in the world will be the 21st of June. He was my true first love from when we were 16 and then I found him agian a couple of years ago after my divorce. We found out we were pregnant with William when we were on a camping trip to a river that we've both gone to since we were kids. I remember exactly when I "knew". we were taking the tent down, and I just seemed to be starving. We came home and I took a test and sure enough it was positive.This was my early birthday present! my bday was Aug 29 and we found out we were expecting again on august 14. now mind you We have a six month old at this time and when he was born, my amniotic fluid was low, so it was an emergency c section and he was in the NICU for 8 days. So imagine my fear just simply from that experience  to know that another baby was coming so soon. My older sons came into this world as nature intended, just as normal as the wind that blows. But Lil Eli gave me a scare. Now we were expecting another we could'nt have been happier. My hubs was sure this one was a girl n I just knew it wasn't. I m a momma to all boys, how could it be a girl right? haha. At our u/s we found out it was another boys and I was elated as well as my hubs. Now my big boys they were just plain mad that we weren't having a sister. I think that is so funny. (they still want a sis) :) So onto waiting on this baby thing to do the do. I really started losing my patience waiting on William to come. I finally made it to the last couple of weeks and I was going to attempt a vbac with Will. I wanted to participate in the birth of my son, not them just cut me and take him out. So I am 39 weeks and 2 days, going to my doc for a checkup on a wed. he had to look around a lil bit, then he did find his heartbeat. Everything sounded completely normal. So I leave and come home, trying walking with my mom, since she had come earlier that week to hopefully be here when I went into labor. We tried swinging at the playground hoping gravity would help get him here sooner. I was 50 % effaced and dialated to about 1.5, I had been having contractions for a couple of weeks so I just knew he would be here soon. Thursday, we planted flowers together, all the while I d hoped my flowers wouldn't die once Will was here due to neglect:( how ironic that my flowers are doing fine now. Anyway, Thursday evening , we hung out on the deck in the back yard and I felt you move so hard up on one of my sides, your daddy got the camera and took a picture. Little did we know that would be the last picture of you alive inside my tummy. Friday morning. I get up and get on facebook as usual, one of my friends is a volunteer photographer for Now I lay me down to sleep website, and had a link posted to view photos, I had never heard of this site so naturally my curiosity got the best of me and I looked. I d never seen such sad photos, of beautiful babies that went to heaven. In my last days of pregnancy I thought I m crazy to be looking at this , what is wrong with me. so that 's Friday around 9 or so. Lunchtime and hubby comes home, my stomach feels like its contracting but I don't think I've felt you move any, am I going crazy or did that website just scare the shit out of me. I must be overreacting. I tell my hubs and he says it s prob ok, just call your doctor and see what they say. I waited til we finished lunch, then I called and they told me to better be safe than sorry to come in and we could ease my mind, that way I wouldn't have to go all weekend worrying. So I can get in around 145. my doc isn't there, so I have to see a nurse practitioner. She comes in with the Doppler, and doesn't find his heartbeat. I had that eerie feeling that I already knew. She said not to panic yet that the battery was dying on the doppler and went to get me into u/s, I believe she knew as well and just didn't know how to tell me. I waited for 30 minutes, an ultimate lifetime to go into the u/s room. All the while my momma is there holding my hand with me. My nurse that has been with me over the past two years sees me and comes to ask what is going on. I told her they could not find his heartbeat and I could see the look in her eyes as tears just rolled down her face. It wasn't looking good. And to see the true emotion from her. I still did not want to believe what was yet to come. It's finally our turn in the u/s room and I climb onto the table,I notice I've never seen this u/s tech before and what she's about to have to do can only be the worst part of a job ever. I see Williams lil rib cage and no blinking light and I KNOW, deepest in the deep part of my soul, I see his heart isnt' beating. The tech tells me I m sorry I don't see a heartbeat and I rolled over on my side and started sobbing, my moms arms wrapped around me, I hear her asking questions. She doesn't understand, and that's all I kept repeating. I just don't understand. My mom was still in disbelief until into the room comes my nurse, sobbing as well. my mom said Trena, he's still ok isn't he? how can he not be? Trena told my mom, your daughter needs you to be strong right now for her. He is gone, but she needs you now. My mom finally accepted what truth they were telling us.He was gone. nothing , just absolutely no reason. A doctor came in and had the nerve to ask if I was still going to attempt the vbac and usually they don't like to induce during the vbac but we weren't concerned about harming the baby anymore since he was dead, OMG, I could have literally slapped the hell out of him. I decided there was no way in hell i could emotionally be induced into labor and actually push him out knowing he wasn't alive. So i  have to wait 8 hours for my c section because my mom said i had a drink of diet coke at 130 . They bring us out of the u/s room and try to put us in the back of some shitty back room to call my hubs to come there with us and just for us to wait. I couldn't sit there. I had to go outside and I know those women waiting for their appts heard me outside simply sobbing with my mom. I wont forget my thoughts when I had to call my hubs and tell him, we lost him. I was stricken with guilt, sorrow, disillusioned. MY Hubby lost his bro in a tragic car accident 9 yrs ago, how can I tell him now our son has died and I dont know why. I have my mom call my dad and at least tell him whats happening, he lives in Texas .then I called my ex to tell him to not tell our boys just yet about their brother. He is in tears as well. My hubs shows up and we decide we are not going immediately to the hospital. We come home and both our moms, my step-dad and sis n law, as well as lil Eli are just trying to help me get my stuff, which my hospital bag was already in the car, so We were trying to figure out where Eli was going during my Will s birth and so on. I remember going into our room, where I had Will's bassinet and hitting the floor onto my knees, and sobbing. I don't want to do this. I just don't want to do this. My sis in law came in with me, and got down on the floor and told me  we will do this together. Finally we get to the hospital at 7 ish and have to wait for a room. You know all the joyous families out in the waiting room, well that is what we got to sit and watch for 1 hr before we went back to our room. it was horribly beautiful, I have such a love for life and glorious blessings, that I know God meant for it to be this way, and I was so happy for those mothers, fathers, sisters and families, yet my mind could still not fathom what had happened to our son. I get in my room, my nurse is getting the usual info and it s just like so surreal, that we were about to do this whether I liked it or not. I hate more than anything in this world that I had no choice about Will's life. I understand God always has a plan, but this is too much. She gives me meds, I didn't want to be completely knocked out and stupid I did want to see my son right after birth. They drugged me a lil more than I liked but I do remember seeing my hubs holding him, and just looking at him. Then I remember being in my recovery room. I knew that after an hr of recover, that we could see our son, I wanted to so bad. I was so scared, scared of what i didn't know. Would he be disfigured, would he be blue? How you don't think of any of those things once you see your child but your mind runs away with thoughts any other time. I m finally ready and here he comes. I cant sit up, since the surgery and the drugs, I cant even hold my arms up enough  to hold him on my own. my hubs has to hold him for me, so I can kiss his lil forehead and look at his perfect lil face. He was bruised from I suppose just being in the birth canal, like he was trying with all his might to push his way out and then God said no my child, you were not meant for here. other than that, the docs said there was a blood clot in the cord. They didn't know if that was the reason or not. We refused the autopsy and although I do believe personally the blood clot DID have something to do with his demise, we both agree that God had this plan and we didn't  want our son to go through anymore, since he's already an angel. God gave me my answer and that has no answer to it, simply my faith telling me this was how it s supposed to be.. We were blessed enough to have our family come in and get to see our son also. My mom was so thankful to be able to simply hold her grandson and tell him she loved him.I do have some regrets, such as I could have asked to have him again after I had recovered from the drugs a lil, I didn't know that then. I wished I gave him his first and only bath. I wish I would have dressed him or even unwrapped his blanket and looked at his entire lil lanky body, arms, legs, and my fave, baby toes. All those regrets don't hold a candle to how thankful I am I at least did give him kisses and told him how much his mommy loved him. I told him I WILL HOLD YOU AGAIN ONE DAY. My sweet William. I then let them take him away from me forever. They did have the courtesy to not place me on the maternity floor, since i d be there for 3 days for healing from surgery. I remember after getting on that floor at 4 30 that morning a nurse brought in a box. I was awake and was so curious as to what she had, she told me the nurse from L& D got this for us and I wanted to see immediately. I think she was trying to protect my emotions by trying to tell me there were pictures in there of him and if I was ready or not. I said I m READY. please let me look in that box now. I did and the wonderful gracious nurse that prepared me for my section had purchased a memory box, which contained a gown, a stitched lil cap, a lil heart pillow with a small ring, a clay footprint and handprint, the paper with his lil footprints on it and pictures of him in that gown n hat. Also a lil yellow handmade blanket. I was so shocked that she did that. If she hadn't I would have only one picture of our son on hubbys phone. I am so very grateful and wish I could hug her neck, and one day I will. I will return to that hospital and let her know how thankful I am for her compassion. That goes above and beyond their job description I know. Well upon arriving home from the hospital, guess what flowers are blooming the most, my sweet williams, or dianthus some people call it. I was pleased at least that those were in full bloom, some sort of weird peace. I guess that tells of my most heartbreaking moments in my life so far, and trust me there have been plenty. My faith and strong spirit have made it through all of the other trials in my life and I know God's hand has carried me through this one so far. I know I must give time TIME to do what it will do and heal my broken soul. I believe I will try for another child also, even though I ll fear the worst at the end the entire time. I must still have my faith, if I lose that, then where will that leave me? If you happened to have read this, thanks for listening to my rant. Really not a rant I simply had to get it out and here it is. But thanks anyway for reading. May God grant peace to us all, we are his chosen ones to carry his angels and I do feel special for that alone. God Bless.

For now, at least maybe that gives some depth to my state of thinking. Yet, I am even stronger than I thought I would be at this point. I will post some more of the entries later, maybe if my mind doesn't overload my thoughts and onto more things.

Introduction

Well hello world

 I am starting this blog in hopes that it will make my travels through grief easier, and hopefully spread hope through the rambling sensations in my thoughts. I am a little over 3 months out from the loss of our son, William Matthew Temple and I intend on making his life well worth the short sweet time he was with us. I invite you to go with me through the daily adventures of being a mom to three boys, living with my insanity and the sane moments I do have :) I treasure each moment we have so very much now, I apologize if the beginning of this blogging bit is not interesting, have patience with me, I will get the hang of it quickly I m hoping~ Hoping for a Blessed day:)