What happened?

I haven't written in going on two weeks, I suppose. Trying to quit smoking, had a birthday and looking to move along with the thoughts of wanting to conceive another child are juussstt about to drive me mad. We began packing some things around the house on Sunday, then continued with that mission yesterday. I have so many things to go through, trash, give away, or pack and no boxes to pack it in. I did manage to get Williams few things into a box yesterday, then only to give way to my tears as I see his one pathetic little box. Everything about him, besides my memories in my head are in that box. He is supposed to be moving with us, not one crappy little box. I also woke up this morning to find my fish that we have had for over a year, dead. I sobbed. Over a little fish, I felt that it was my fault he perished. We sprayed the kitchen and I didn't move him,so ultimately I feel it's my fault. Think maybe that is some grief coming out from the death of my fish, hmmm. Life is so unfair and so blessed at the same time. How can it be this way. I wish my thoughts of him were ones of smiling and laughing and cooing, yet they are thoughts of loss and how I miss those things that will never be here on earth. I suppose I will go for now, entertaining myself with more packing and cleaning. I pray this day will be blessed.