Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I thought perhaps

I thought it may help..... 

 Perhaps if I copied some journal entries from online to my blog so that if you don't know me or my story of what's happened in my life, you can gain some perspective from reading my past few month's emotions. Grab a tissue, it may be needed.

May 20, 2010... a month and 4 days after giving birth to Will.
I guess venting would be considered what I should want to do. We are planning to go camping or rather stay in a cabin this weekend. I will enjoy it but tomorrow will be one month since we buried William and my hormones are obviously rattled. I look forward to some distracting rest, but it s a hell of a lot of work to get ready to go. have to gather all the boys stuff and that s 3 fold on the gettin together. Today I suppose some of my anger is arising, angry at who , I have no idea. I m just irritated beyond belief and can't seem to shake it. I want to hold my son, that is the utmost thought I keep having over and over, over, etc. I want to kiss his face and his nose. Damn you fate or reality, I have so much faith and I believe he is in such a better place, that place just happens to not be with me and that breaks me down. I must keep living for my other sons, they need their mom as much as sweet William did but now I have to know that William is learning from a much bigger thing than me. My thoughts have to regain focus , I know that time will come and I have no patience. I m sick of it hurting as bad as it does and it seems to be only in my heart. I know others are weeping too, yet do they feel shattered as do i?? So sum of this venting ends up being rambling and words simply splatter out of my mind onto the screen. Please lord give me your strength for I know that you chose this path long before I knew what was to come, help me to stay close to you and know that this will pass and my heart one day will heal from the raw utter pain.
I felt the urge to put on makeup to make some effort to be pretty for my huni buni to come home from work to, how awful it must be to arrive home to a haggard looking woman who is irritable, tired, cranky, and hormonal, and less a baby that she feels she should have. not a pretty picture. I not only have bad days and good days, there are simply moments and I had always believed that life itself was made up of perfect lil moments just captured in time. those moments aren't always beautiful. my hubby said one day, photos are meant to show the happiness. well life isn't all happiness, is it? why must we hide those times of tragedy and keep our hurt to within our own hearts and minds? I feel as though I still am a new mom and I do have a picture of my beauty to show with pride yet I feel as though it would be unacceptable to show those same precious photos that have gotten me through so many of the past days. I feel horrible in the way that it seems I m not completely mentally available for my lil man Eli. I mean I don't neglect the poor child. trust me he  is very spoiled, especially since my older two sons go between our house and their dads'. I have to get that affection out of my system somehow and Eli gets loved up often. He does make me smile, just as do the older boys, they are 9 and 7. I can't believe how fast time does fly when life is good, they are growing into beautiful young lil men. I know they will break my heart soon enough too simply by growing older. I am procrastinating on thank you cards, and we still haven't looked at the headstone/ marker brochures yet together. I know it s gonna suck to do it , but yet I m tired of having it looming over me like so many other thoughts seem to. ok maybe I  m done with endless rambling for the day, perhaps not. I realize now that I have been writing but typing is definitely so much more effortless, I may forget that what I m typing can be read , ahh, all thoughts of a grieving mother. something I bet the rest of you may know all too well right along with me. until i return. be blessed.

June 3, I decide to type "my story"
I am 32, will be 33 this year. I now live in Ms. Origionally from Arkansas. I have three living sons, one son in heaven and my first preg. was m/c and I dont know the sex, so two babies in heaven. I was so excited to have my fourth son, you would think after so many boys that I d be crazy but I was more than ready to have my team all together. My older two sons are 9 and 7 and they live with their dad about an hour from us. We get them as often as we can but for now only our  18 mos old son lives full time with us. So my emotions are on call pretty much all the time even before William. Well I m not sure where to start but here I go. I have been a stay at home mom for going on two years now. My 2 nd wedding anniversary to my best friend in the world will be the 21st of June. He was my true first love from when we were 16 and then I found him agian a couple of years ago after my divorce. We found out we were pregnant with William when we were on a camping trip to a river that we've both gone to since we were kids. I remember exactly when I "knew". we were taking the tent down, and I just seemed to be starving. We came home and I took a test and sure enough it was positive.This was my early birthday present! my bday was Aug 29 and we found out we were expecting again on august 14. now mind you We have a six month old at this time and when he was born, my amniotic fluid was low, so it was an emergency c section and he was in the NICU for 8 days. So imagine my fear just simply from that experience  to know that another baby was coming so soon. My older sons came into this world as nature intended, just as normal as the wind that blows. But Lil Eli gave me a scare. Now we were expecting another we could'nt have been happier. My hubs was sure this one was a girl n I just knew it wasn't. I m a momma to all boys, how could it be a girl right? haha. At our u/s we found out it was another boys and I was elated as well as my hubs. Now my big boys they were just plain mad that we weren't having a sister. I think that is so funny. (they still want a sis) :) So onto waiting on this baby thing to do the do. I really started losing my patience waiting on William to come. I finally made it to the last couple of weeks and I was going to attempt a vbac with Will. I wanted to participate in the birth of my son, not them just cut me and take him out. So I am 39 weeks and 2 days, going to my doc for a checkup on a wed. he had to look around a lil bit, then he did find his heartbeat. Everything sounded completely normal. So I leave and come home, trying walking with my mom, since she had come earlier that week to hopefully be here when I went into labor. We tried swinging at the playground hoping gravity would help get him here sooner. I was 50 % effaced and dialated to about 1.5, I had been having contractions for a couple of weeks so I just knew he would be here soon. Thursday, we planted flowers together, all the while I d hoped my flowers wouldn't die once Will was here due to neglect:( how ironic that my flowers are doing fine now. Anyway, Thursday evening , we hung out on the deck in the back yard and I felt you move so hard up on one of my sides, your daddy got the camera and took a picture. Little did we know that would be the last picture of you alive inside my tummy. Friday morning. I get up and get on facebook as usual, one of my friends is a volunteer photographer for Now I lay me down to sleep website, and had a link posted to view photos, I had never heard of this site so naturally my curiosity got the best of me and I looked. I d never seen such sad photos, of beautiful babies that went to heaven. In my last days of pregnancy I thought I m crazy to be looking at this , what is wrong with me. so that 's Friday around 9 or so. Lunchtime and hubby comes home, my stomach feels like its contracting but I don't think I've felt you move any, am I going crazy or did that website just scare the shit out of me. I must be overreacting. I tell my hubs and he says it s prob ok, just call your doctor and see what they say. I waited til we finished lunch, then I called and they told me to better be safe than sorry to come in and we could ease my mind, that way I wouldn't have to go all weekend worrying. So I can get in around 145. my doc isn't there, so I have to see a nurse practitioner. She comes in with the Doppler, and doesn't find his heartbeat. I had that eerie feeling that I already knew. She said not to panic yet that the battery was dying on the doppler and went to get me into u/s, I believe she knew as well and just didn't know how to tell me. I waited for 30 minutes, an ultimate lifetime to go into the u/s room. All the while my momma is there holding my hand with me. My nurse that has been with me over the past two years sees me and comes to ask what is going on. I told her they could not find his heartbeat and I could see the look in her eyes as tears just rolled down her face. It wasn't looking good. And to see the true emotion from her. I still did not want to believe what was yet to come. It's finally our turn in the u/s room and I climb onto the table,I notice I've never seen this u/s tech before and what she's about to have to do can only be the worst part of a job ever. I see Williams lil rib cage and no blinking light and I KNOW, deepest in the deep part of my soul, I see his heart isnt' beating. The tech tells me I m sorry I don't see a heartbeat and I rolled over on my side and started sobbing, my moms arms wrapped around me, I hear her asking questions. She doesn't understand, and that's all I kept repeating. I just don't understand. My mom was still in disbelief until into the room comes my nurse, sobbing as well. my mom said Trena, he's still ok isn't he? how can he not be? Trena told my mom, your daughter needs you to be strong right now for her. He is gone, but she needs you now. My mom finally accepted what truth they were telling us.He was gone. nothing , just absolutely no reason. A doctor came in and had the nerve to ask if I was still going to attempt the vbac and usually they don't like to induce during the vbac but we weren't concerned about harming the baby anymore since he was dead, OMG, I could have literally slapped the hell out of him. I decided there was no way in hell i could emotionally be induced into labor and actually push him out knowing he wasn't alive. So i  have to wait 8 hours for my c section because my mom said i had a drink of diet coke at 130 . They bring us out of the u/s room and try to put us in the back of some shitty back room to call my hubs to come there with us and just for us to wait. I couldn't sit there. I had to go outside and I know those women waiting for their appts heard me outside simply sobbing with my mom. I wont forget my thoughts when I had to call my hubs and tell him, we lost him. I was stricken with guilt, sorrow, disillusioned. MY Hubby lost his bro in a tragic car accident 9 yrs ago, how can I tell him now our son has died and I dont know why. I have my mom call my dad and at least tell him whats happening, he lives in Texas .then I called my ex to tell him to not tell our boys just yet about their brother. He is in tears as well. My hubs shows up and we decide we are not going immediately to the hospital. We come home and both our moms, my step-dad and sis n law, as well as lil Eli are just trying to help me get my stuff, which my hospital bag was already in the car, so We were trying to figure out where Eli was going during my Will s birth and so on. I remember going into our room, where I had Will's bassinet and hitting the floor onto my knees, and sobbing. I don't want to do this. I just don't want to do this. My sis in law came in with me, and got down on the floor and told me  we will do this together. Finally we get to the hospital at 7 ish and have to wait for a room. You know all the joyous families out in the waiting room, well that is what we got to sit and watch for 1 hr before we went back to our room. it was horribly beautiful, I have such a love for life and glorious blessings, that I know God meant for it to be this way, and I was so happy for those mothers, fathers, sisters and families, yet my mind could still not fathom what had happened to our son. I get in my room, my nurse is getting the usual info and it s just like so surreal, that we were about to do this whether I liked it or not. I hate more than anything in this world that I had no choice about Will's life. I understand God always has a plan, but this is too much. She gives me meds, I didn't want to be completely knocked out and stupid I did want to see my son right after birth. They drugged me a lil more than I liked but I do remember seeing my hubs holding him, and just looking at him. Then I remember being in my recovery room. I knew that after an hr of recover, that we could see our son, I wanted to so bad. I was so scared, scared of what i didn't know. Would he be disfigured, would he be blue? How you don't think of any of those things once you see your child but your mind runs away with thoughts any other time. I m finally ready and here he comes. I cant sit up, since the surgery and the drugs, I cant even hold my arms up enough  to hold him on my own. my hubs has to hold him for me, so I can kiss his lil forehead and look at his perfect lil face. He was bruised from I suppose just being in the birth canal, like he was trying with all his might to push his way out and then God said no my child, you were not meant for here. other than that, the docs said there was a blood clot in the cord. They didn't know if that was the reason or not. We refused the autopsy and although I do believe personally the blood clot DID have something to do with his demise, we both agree that God had this plan and we didn't  want our son to go through anymore, since he's already an angel. God gave me my answer and that has no answer to it, simply my faith telling me this was how it s supposed to be.. We were blessed enough to have our family come in and get to see our son also. My mom was so thankful to be able to simply hold her grandson and tell him she loved him.I do have some regrets, such as I could have asked to have him again after I had recovered from the drugs a lil, I didn't know that then. I wished I gave him his first and only bath. I wish I would have dressed him or even unwrapped his blanket and looked at his entire lil lanky body, arms, legs, and my fave, baby toes. All those regrets don't hold a candle to how thankful I am I at least did give him kisses and told him how much his mommy loved him. I told him I WILL HOLD YOU AGAIN ONE DAY. My sweet William. I then let them take him away from me forever. They did have the courtesy to not place me on the maternity floor, since i d be there for 3 days for healing from surgery. I remember after getting on that floor at 4 30 that morning a nurse brought in a box. I was awake and was so curious as to what she had, she told me the nurse from L& D got this for us and I wanted to see immediately. I think she was trying to protect my emotions by trying to tell me there were pictures in there of him and if I was ready or not. I said I m READY. please let me look in that box now. I did and the wonderful gracious nurse that prepared me for my section had purchased a memory box, which contained a gown, a stitched lil cap, a lil heart pillow with a small ring, a clay footprint and handprint, the paper with his lil footprints on it and pictures of him in that gown n hat. Also a lil yellow handmade blanket. I was so shocked that she did that. If she hadn't I would have only one picture of our son on hubbys phone. I am so very grateful and wish I could hug her neck, and one day I will. I will return to that hospital and let her know how thankful I am for her compassion. That goes above and beyond their job description I know. Well upon arriving home from the hospital, guess what flowers are blooming the most, my sweet williams, or dianthus some people call it. I was pleased at least that those were in full bloom, some sort of weird peace. I guess that tells of my most heartbreaking moments in my life so far, and trust me there have been plenty. My faith and strong spirit have made it through all of the other trials in my life and I know God's hand has carried me through this one so far. I know I must give time TIME to do what it will do and heal my broken soul. I believe I will try for another child also, even though I ll fear the worst at the end the entire time. I must still have my faith, if I lose that, then where will that leave me? If you happened to have read this, thanks for listening to my rant. Really not a rant I simply had to get it out and here it is. But thanks anyway for reading. May God grant peace to us all, we are his chosen ones to carry his angels and I do feel special for that alone. God Bless.

For now, at least maybe that gives some depth to my state of thinking. Yet, I am even stronger than I thought I would be at this point. I will post some more of the entries later, maybe if my mind doesn't overload my thoughts and onto more things.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Keeping the faith is tough on the best of days never mind the worst!