Monday, August 9, 2010

Why this feeling?

I I Have this feeling that is just seemingly nagging at me. It is driving me mad. I thought it was simply anxiety. Perhaps not. What is this feeling, a feeling of waiting for something. Anticipation. For what? What do I think I am waiting for, will there come a day when I think out of nowhere that my mind will become free of these wandering thoughts? I don't think so. My older boys are on vacation with their dad at Six Flags, then next week school is already starting. I would give anything to be with my boys right now. Not with their dad, but with them. My little Eli is asleep in his crib. How many nights I think of how his brother should be with him, in the same room,keeping him awake or vice versa. I do the best I can to not let the what if land consume me. It can be like a dark hole sucking the life from your very chest. I want to remain as positive as I know I can be. You know you have to keep breathing and keep on, just living. Living daily life. Doing the dishes. I think I miss being pregnant, I miss doing itty bitty baby laundry .  I m missing lots of things, my heart knows that it is ok. I know he is ok, he is more than ok. It s me that still clings to every tiny thing I can of his. I cling to the love, the loss, the powerlessness. I cling to the idea that I WILL have hope. I refuse not too. I know I want to have more children, most people probably think I  m crazy for that. I don't really care. I was put on earth to be a mother, I love it more than my own life. My boys. I adore them each so much in their wonderfully special different ways. They look so much like me. I almost feel guilty for being so blessed at the same time of having such tragedy. I know I m lucky to have had the chance to be a mother to these, that will become young men quicker than I d like. I have so many thoughts frothing around in my brain, it seems it makes no sense once it comes out on the screen or on paper. It's so hard to explain all the emotions that come with this. Unless you are part of that Silent Population, as I feel I am. Yet I m not so silent, I just keep my mouth shut maybe to make it seem easier for them. You know, just smile, I m fine:) except for my son is in heaven. Even then, I ache, with the most strange peace and elation for I m not seeing the joy he has. I do suppose I have rambled enough about much of nothing, yet that is why I have started this blog, to get these vile swirling vivid ideas out. And if you read and understand , well then we are together on a journey through hell before we reach our heaven, and if you read and don't understand, or if you are offended, well. I think you know what you can do , May God Bless us all with sweet angel kisses. I know I m first in line to get mine xoxo


  1. I do understand what you have written and how you feel. Everyday thoughts go through my mind, missing my baby girl and what I am missing out on, but still I remain positive and cling to hope and pray that one day I will get to have my happy ending.
    I also totally relate to the part you say about keeping your mouth shut to make it easier for other people!! I have totally come to realise just who I can and can’t talk to about my precious angel. Hugs xx

  2. I think, when your entire ground shifts under you, when everything you thought was true is not, you list around. You jerk and shake and try to find a new balance, and I know that left me feeling that way as well.